Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
