So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
