it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
