he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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