look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
