I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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