So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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