Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Randomize
