Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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