turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
