can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
