so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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