I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
