I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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