If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
