I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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