i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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