I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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