I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
