So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
