went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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