I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
