I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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