i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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