Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
