I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
only you would photoshop your dick
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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