Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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