I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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