I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My penis needs a shock collar
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
