Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
