FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
