my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
