I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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