U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
