i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
