she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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