Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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