How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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