Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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