When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
