True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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