Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
