life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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