if we break up, who will get the dealer?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
