Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
