Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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