i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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