I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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