life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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