The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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