I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
