How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize