6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
