i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
