why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize