Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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