I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
