i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
