The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
