it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Randomize