My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
